Mary Burke to be sworn in as Wisconsin governor*
Extra! Extra! Read all aboud-it!
There’s good news in the parallel universe of Emerald City, land of infinite entitlement, moral superiority, and permanent protest. All mimsy were ye borogoves inside the liberal-progressive-socialist bubble!
Dane County’s “Progressive Voice” has broken the story that reports of Scott Walker re-elected governor were premature. The announced results of the Nov. 4 election were a chimera, a bad dream propagated by Faux News and the Koch Boys.
Turns out Mary Burke actually won the Wisconsin governor’s race! (“Did Burke beat Walker, after all?”)
Through the science of progressivism, a learned scholar has vindicated that infamous Capital Times poll that predicted that Mary Burke would win! (“Burke is Winning!*” — The Capital Times, Sept. 24, 2014)
“This would not be the first time that elections have been stolen in America,” university professor Jim Fetzer reveals.
As the vice president would say, this is big fripping news! Who knew?
Acknowledging that the Marquette Law School Poll before the Nov. 4 election “showed a surge for Gov. Scott Walker,” Fetzer the Perfesser simply chooses not to believe it. “I was taken aback,” he confides. “Had the Marquette poll shown a surge for challenger Mary Burke, that would have made sense.”
Why? Because candidate Scott Walker “was not making the sale” during the campaign. You can’t argue that scientific data! The Perfesser asserts that exit polls should determine the victor, not — you know — actual vote totals, which “merely serves to confirm” the exit polls.
How could Burke have lost, the Perfesser asks, when she was “supported by visits from some of the most popular figures in the Democratic Party”? Those would include Barack Obama, who was popular in the Democratic Party — six years ago!
Wild Bill Evjue
Time for a patented Blaska Policy Research Werkes intervention: Perfesser Fetzer wears a size 8 tinfoil hat. Fetzer is a conspiracy nut who claims that the 9/11 attack was a controlled demolition, that Minnesota Sen. Paul Wellstone’s demise in a plane crash was an assassination, and that the kids at Sandy Hook were murdered by the Mossad. The Jews had a hand in all three, Fetzer rails. The eternal Jew!
“No responsible news organization would publish this kind of tripe, but The Capital Times does,” reads one online comment to the Perfesser’s piece.
How much deeper into denial can our … acquaintances descend? How more vivid their fantasy life? Expect these triumphs of wish fulfillment from Your Progressive Voice:
• Walker & Fitz do perp walk
• Banks nationalized, assets seized
• Maple Bluff razed for tiny houses
• Poor kids forced back into failing public schools
• Police surrender their guns
• Speech codes reinstated
• Madison Common Council unionizes
• Paul Fanlund comes out as black
• Bill Evjue reincarnated as Graeme Zielinski
For extra credit — Do you find it odd that the Left keeps claiming election fraud but denies voter fraud? (Discuss amongst yourselves.) Fetzer is emeritus professor at the University of Minnesota-Duluth. Does that explain why our lib-prog-soc acquaintances are clogging northbound Interstate 94 for the land of no Super Bowls? (Papers due by Friday.)
Beware the Jubjub bird, and shun the frumious Bandersnatch!
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