Letters to Santa: Business owners sound off for the holidays

It’s not just kids who send their Christmas requests to Santa Claus. He often hears from people running private companies too. Here’s a recent email chain from Bob and Betty Business from Wisconsin.

 

Dear Santa –

We really don’t need anything for Christmas this year. The Paycheck Protection Program and the Employee Retention Tax Credit got our family business through the worst of it during COVID-19. Thank you and happy sledding!

Bob Business

 

Dear Santa –

I’m partners with Bob Business. If it’s not too much to ask, he forgot one little request. We’re really understaffed and we’re wondering what happens to your elves after the holiday season. They’re seasonal workers, right? If they’re available come mid-January, we would pay $20 per hour and a bonus for late shifts … which they seem to like anyway. You could avoid getting dinged for unemployment benefits, and we would promise to get them back to you by Thanksgiving!

Betty Business

 

Dear Santa –

Speaking of seasonal, you have some delivery equipment you must typically store after the Christmas rush. What if we and a few other Main Street businesses leased that sled and eight tiny reindeer from you? It would ease some supply chain issues we’re having south of the North Pole.

The shipping capacity for that rig seems to be infinite and it’s nearly as fast as Amazon Prime. So, whaddya’ say? We’ll pop for some reindeer chow and a stable. You could even make a few bucks on the side yourself, the licensed driver shortage being what it is.

Bob Business

 

Dear Santa –

This order may be harder to fill, but is there any chance for some clarity around COVID-19 rules for businesses? Companies with 100 or more workers were told they must require employee vaccinations, which some of them saw as a good reason not to hire more than 99 people. On again, off again, on again. We don’t have a lot of extra cash lying around to hire lawyers every time the feds hiccup. We just want predictability.

And don’t get me started with the whole mask thing. In one county they’re required in all sorts of places; in the next county over, you won’t find a mask on any mug other than that of a smash-and-grabber.

Betty Business

 

Dear Santa –

I know we’ve already filled your inbox with a lot of asks, but is there anything you can do about the standoff in Congress? The Democrats want to print money like it’s going out of style and then wonder why the inflation rate would make Jimmy Carter blush.

The Republicans can’t get over the fact that Donald Trump lost by a bunch of votes. Mike the Pillow Guy even claimed there are more rigged votes in Clark County, Wisconsin, than there are registered voters living there! If the GOP keeps this up, they’ll blow the mid-term elections too.

Bob Business

 

Dear Santa –

Sorry for whining and thanks for listening to us. We’re asking too much of a semi-retired gig worker on commission. We’ll settle for the PPP, some improved cybersecurity, and peace on Earth, which would actually be great for business!

Betty and Bob Business

 

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