Error message: Tuesday is election day
The white lab coats here at the Blaska Policy Werkes fired up Ol’ Sparky, our Eisenhower-era mainframe computer, outfitted with new piston rings.
What would Tuesday, Nov. 8, hold for America? And why did we have to know beforehand? Why can’t we just wait for the results, flip the channel, and watch a Cops reality show? (“Bad boys, bad boys, whatcha gonna do?”) Also, what’s wrong with the Packers? (“Bad boys, bad boys, whatcha gonna do?”)
So, we had those four questions.
Ol’ Sparky thought about it for a while, made grinding noises, and then spit out a fist full of punch cards with a plume of confetti. Lights at the Stately Manor flickered like the final scene in a James Cagney prison movie. Herds of buffalo stampeded. Magma began bubbling up under Yellowstone. And the wind did howl.
“File not found,” old Sparky’s green screen reported.
The file concerned may have been damaged, moved, deleted, or a bug may have caused the error. Alternatively, the file simply might not exist, or the user has mistyped its name.
While the lab coats were expressing colorful vexations, Ol’ Sparky clattered out one more bit of wisdom, in the form of a dot matrix printout on fanfold paper: “Or maybe you just can’t handle the truth.”
No, you can’t hurry love. You’ll just have to wait. It’s a game of give and take. I figure we’ll know soon enough, like about 6 a.m. Wednesday morning. Wednesday morning, Jan. 25, 2017, that is. Wingtips on the tarmac.
In the meantime, the indentured servants are prepping for a long cold winter. At least four years long if the Constitution is any guide, which it may no longer be.
The servants are stockpiling silver bullion, ammo, and toilet paper in the Cheney memorial underground bunker. Assembling drinking water filtration kits, recharging batteries, and making their own beef jerky out of various backyard critters. We will survive, but cancel my Weekly Standard. We don’t want trouble.
We’re all crooks
America needs a laugh. Even if it is a heartless, merciless, Seinfeld season ending laugh at someone else’s expense. The Nation magazine never disappoints.
Is Hillary a crook? “Yes, she has become successful by playing the game. But does that make her different from any of us?” asks Jeffrey C. Isaac in The Nation magazine.
This supposedly corrupt woman whose corruption, it would seem, exceeds all bounds of normal politics and warrants special investigations. … Is this really different from the way most professional women, including left academic women, proceed? … Is Clinton that different than most of us who, honestly, belong to the “professional managerial class” as much as she does, and who work through its institutions in the same way she does?
That is some serious defining down of Democrat(ic) deviance! No wonder the Madison Common Council investigates the police! Isaac establishes his street cred (or better, his cred on the quad) by boasting that he just edited a new edition of The Communist Manifesto “to which I contributed a rather sympathetic essay.”
Hillary may be a crook but, dammit, she’s our crook!
And this bipartisan chuckle from the National Review: “Okay, everyone, switch your positions on FBI director James Comey again.”
Stay home on Tuesday
The old editorial page saw dictates Get Out and Vote. Why? That’s like saying, Eat More Whey. Which your Humble Squire remembers seeing on tanker trucks in 1960s Wisconsin. Exhortation without justification. (Kids today would answer, “No Whey!”)
If you are not motivated to vote on the day before Election Day, then please do yourself and the nation a favor — stay home. It’s safe there. You will avoid communicable disease carriers. And you will have made a statement, Zen-like in its simplicity: the sound of one hand not voting. I’m with none of the above.
And please just bury under a mound of smoldering third-world refuse that cliché about every election being the most important election in our lifetimes. Balderdash and poppycock! David Harsanyi in National Review gives voice to what your Humble Squire has been thinking all year (but had not the wit to express): “This is the least important election of our lifetimes.”
As for gridlock, bring it on! “That’s exactly what the Constitution was built to do in a divided nation,” Harsanyi writes.
The envelope, please
So, without the services of Ol’ Sparky, the Great Squironi predicts:
- Republicans will lose three seats from their 63–36 majority in the Wisconsin State Assembly.
- Republican Mike Gallagher will win Wisconsin’s only open congressional seat in Green Bay.
- Ron Johnson wins re-election 50.5 to 49.5%.
- Republicans hold the U.S. Senate by one seat (losing three).
- Trump will do better than the Marquette poll, which has him trailing by 6 percentage points, but still lose Wisconsin.
- Blaska will write in the name Evan McMullin for president.
- Finally, who will be our next president? File not found. The file concerned may have been damaged, moved, deleted, or a bug may have caused the error. Alternatively, the file simply might not exist, or the user has mistyped its name.
Blaska’s Bottom Line: The nation will survive Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump, “neither of whom possesses the requisite talent, vision, or charisma needed to destroy this country in a mere four years,” Harsanyi writes.
Your prayers, please — His fellow National Guard officer, Dave Zweifel, relates that Tim Donovan, author of the Donovan Files, suffered a burst brain aneurysm Monday night, Oct. 31, and at last word was in intensive care at UW Hospital and could not have visitors. Due to HIPAA, I can’t get a condition report beyond that. Send cards and best wishes to Tim @ University Hospital, 600 Highland Ave., Madison, WI 53792.
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