15 ways to get conservatives (and liberals, too) to change their minds on guns

The problem with the gun control issue is that every time you bring it up, everyone in the room seems to go off the beam a bit. Either guns are standing in the way of an otherwise harmonious Age of Aquarius or we’re just 300 million armed citizens away from a firearms-enforced Pax Americana.

I’ve stayed away from the gun issue for the most part because I don’t fall neatly into either camp. I believe in the Second Amendment (if for no other reason than it’s part of the sacrosanct Bill of Rights), and I believe that people have a fundamental right to defend themselves and their property. On the other hand, sensible limits, like requiring thorough background checks and preventing people from amassing military-style weapons caches, only seem, well, sensible – and reflexive opposition to gun regulation seems counterproductive.

Unfortunately, like winter, insufferably dour androgynous teen vampires, and Americans’ curious and unhealthy obsession with bacon, the gun issue just won’t go away. The latest nugget of wonderfulness is the revelation that the NRA, which has assiduously safeguarded cold, dead hands from perfidious would-be pryers for decades now, has been keeping a Nixonian enemies list, complete with such stalwarts as ’NSYNC, Moon Unit and Dweezil Zappa, Hallmark Cards, the Kansas City Chiefs, and Geraldo Rivera, who – let’s be frank – could not possibly inspire people to buy fewer guns.

But as patently silly as the pro-gun lobby sometimes gets, I can’t bring myself to caucus with the anti-gunners either. So as much as I’d like to be the yin to David Blaska’s yang (if he’ll forgive my mentioning said yang) on this issue, at best I can affect a mealy centrist posture that exposes me to psyche-withering ridicule from all fronts.

So by way of a solution, what I’d like to do is facilitate a rapprochement between these two warring factions – one armed, one not (who do you think’ll win that one?).

Let’s start with:

10 ways to get conservatives to soften their stance on guns

• Start by banning squirt guns; proceed to clamber up the slippery slope. (See: Water Guns Banned, Handguns Allowed at GOP Convention.)

• New tradition: To encourage grooms at gay wedding receptions to kiss, replace the clinking of glasses with celebratory gunshots from assault rifles. Watch Pavlovian hilarity ensue.

• During science class in parochial schools and Louisiana public schools, teach impressionable young children that after killing Abel, Cain went on a wild shooting spree, and that’s why there are no dinosaurs.

• After a few PBR tall boys and a brandy old-fashioned or two, somehow convince your conservative in-laws that all Obama really said was that he wants to take away their gum.

• Break into a fertility clinic and take dozens of frozen zygotes hostage at gunpoint.

• Surreptitiously slip fervent pro-gun passages into the Affordable Care Act; pretend they were there all along. Watch Michele Bachmann’s face melt off like GI Joe in an Easy-Bake Oven.

• Day by day, begin to add paramilitary accouterment to President Obama’s wardrobe until, at the end of six months, he’s indistinguishable from Che Guevara.

• Launch unnatural Dr. Moreau-style eugenics experiments designed to breed creepy, ultra-intelligent, secular humanist deer who can shoot back. And it wouldn’t hurt if their genome were altered to make them superficially resemble either Hillary Clinton or Harry Reid or both.

• Convince Turner Classic Movies to digitally alter The Man Who Shot Liberty Valance, replacing John Wayne and Lee Marvin with Barney Frank and the gay Teletubby, respectively.

• Clone Ted Nugent. Put him in a sealed room with Ted Nugent and tell him that neither will be allowed to leave until they can come to an agreement on which Ted Nugent is more awesome. Release 200 hours of raw footage to Fox News for use in reality show.

 

And now, five ways to get liberals to embrace gun rights

• Send knife-wielding bandits to their homes to plunder their Trader Joe’s Tuscan White Bean Hummus and Thai Lime & Chili Cashews. 

• Somehow convince Maureen Dowd to write droll, acerbic commentary for Guns & Ammo.

• Produce a video demonstrating how easy it is to turn an apple, a soda can, or an AR-15 into a bong.

• Remind liberal men that, without guns, there will no longer be a weeklong period in late November during which one can safely walk into a sports bar without hearing one’s innermost secret thoughts about Erin Andrews churlishly bellowed wall-to-wall by far less unassuming men.

• Hey, if it’s good enough for Russ Feingold

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